Jokes

Four fonts walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Oi -get out! We don't want your type in here."

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says, " I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says,
"Pint please and one for the road."

A three legged dog walks into a bar in the Old Wild West, slides up to
the bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

A man walks into a bar, "Pint of best please barman."
While waiting he notices that Vincent Van Gogh is sitting at one of the tables.
The man goes up to him and says, "Are you Vincent Van Gogh?"
"Yes" the old man replies.
"Would you like a pint sir?" says the man.
"No thanks, I've got one 'ere"

Two boll weevils grew up in Cornwall. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed at home, drove a tractor and never amounted to very much. He became the lesser of two weevils.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour the manager came over and asked them to disperse. " But why?" they asked. "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in a open foyer."

A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten puns in the hope that at least one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.